The running plan has been set and it has made its way to an excel spreadsheet. In my world, if you make it to an excel spreadsheet then you know I am serious about the task at hand!
As we look at the next 12 weeks of training the columns and rows are filled with numbers. The simplicity of these digits astounds me sometimes. The numbers increase, then they cut back, then they increase again. All with a purpose, all a part of the plan. We show this plan to a revered few who have gone before us and are the seasoned veterans. These people are the experts. These are the people we place the trust of achieving this goal.
My coach asked me, “What is your goal?” In that moment I froze. A simple and practical question and one that extrapolated immediate panic.
To be honest with you, I know what my goal is but I am afraid to say it. Do I tell him and let him in on my own personal secret? My internal battle started to rage and I felt the anxiety beginning to build in my chest. By telling him my truth I was putting my heart’s desire out there and in doing so I felt there was an instant pressure to perform, achieve but potentially worst of all… not achieve the goal.
I replied to him with a message saying, “I just want to finish strong”. I actually nodded yes to myself. This was a safe reply and I hit send.
I looked at the text and immediately regretted it. I knew I was not being authentic. The thoughts of sharing my heart would call for me to be vulnerable and I wanted to be strong. Could I be both vulnerable and strong at the same time? It felt a bit like oil and water. I looked no further than our waiting room to get my answer.
This week at Barbados Fertility Centre we are heading back into cycle and our waiting room will be filled with persons who have shared with us at BFC the most vulnerable sides of themselves and their heart’s desire to have a family. As our patients sit there on our sandy coloured couch, you can see vulnerability on their faces but when you look a little closer, you see something else – an absolute resolve of strength. This was my eureka moment!
These brave patients of ours have been on a challenging journey by the time they reach our clinic. Most have had to go through many struggles and dare I call it almost “war” to get to this point. Their resolve as individuals and couples has been tested and they know what it is to be stripped bare and to be vulnerable in the quest to achieve their goal to conceive. For 14 years I have scanned their faces and have found the lesson that they teach us every month. To be vulnerable and share your truth with the experts who can help you achieve your goal is not a weakness. To extend the trust of your dream and show up to give of your best without knowing the outcome for your goal – well truly, there is simply nothing more that can be asked of an individual! This is a truth and this is a true measure of courage.
I took a moment to recognize the lesson I had stumbled upon and absorbed it. Out came my phone and I messaged my coach.
I want to do this race in 2 hours.